so many thoughts

you would think these days would be flying by. we had begun to have hope that Carli would be the miracle baby who survived hydrops, only to hear that crushing news: "i'm sorry. i can't find a heartbeat." although we knew her diagnosis for almost 2 months, i admittedly had been procrastinating about funeral arrangements, and such. i just couldn't bring myself to do it while she was still alive and still fighting. so you would think that with all the things we have to get done, that time would be slipping away quicker than we could handle. but, that is not the case.


the specialist's office, the final ultrasound, those words... "i can't find a heartbeat." seems like it all was weeks ago. when i sit and think about all that happened... and i realize it only happened yesterday... wow! yesterday? that can't be right. but, it is. i have known Carli was gone for exactly 28 hours.

and then i think maybe i'm losing my mind. i keep sitting here waiting to feel Carli move. and i keep shooing away thoughts that maybe the ultrasound was wrong. i'm trying to not go to that place. i'm trying to not be in denial. i have to accept what happened. but, something inside me is screaming for it to all be wrong. wake up. it's not real.

unfortunately, i won't wake up, because this is my reality. Carli is gone. i won't be shopping for toys or nursery stuff. i will be shopping for urns, and maybe even a couple special necklaces for Carli's older sisters. i will tell them they have an angel watching them now. not many people get their own special angel... right? ugh- but i don't want an angel. i want a baby.

i dread the time when i will have to tell Lynzie and Lillie that Carli is gone. Lynzie has testing this week at school, so i don't want to tell her now. she needs to focus on those tests, and i need some time to deal with my own emotions. the girls will be spending the weekend with their dad, so probably sunday will be the day i explain everything. maybe on monday i will let lynzie stay home from school, and we can spend the day together.

Lynzie already suspects something is not quite right with her baby sister. she has been asking if Carli is getting better, and all i have told her so far is that she is not getting better. today, she cried for a few minutes, and told me she "didn't want Carli to come out dead" she said she wanted to play with her, and have her at her party this summer. i told her that i wanted that too, but sometimes babies have to become angels. she asked me who was going to take care of carli, and who would teach her to talk. i told her the angels would take very good care of our little baby. she asked, "will Jesus be there? does he take care of the angel babies?" i told her Jesus would definitely be there to take care of Carli. she calmed down, and i told her not to worry right now. she went back to her normal five-year-old things, which was a relief for me. after that conversation, i needed to cry.