the world without Carli

our time in the hospital was comforting. i could see Carli whenever i wanted. everyone that entered my room knew our situation, and was extremely sympathetic. i could cry anytime i needed, and no one asked why. i could be left alone. i wasn't in pain, and i could sleep as much as i wanted.

leaving the hospital, i realized things were about to change very quickly. as the nurse wheeled me out to the parking lot, i thought about the box on my lap. i was so happy that the nurses took pictures, and did several footprints. i was extremely happy to receive the memory box, and all the things i had been given during my time with Carli. i had carefully packed everything into one box, before being discharged from labor and delivery. and then, with that box on my lap, i thought about how strange it was. with my other girls, i left the hospital in this same way... but what was on my lap? a baby. not a box of baby things.

i hugged the nurse (Becky) and she began to cry. i got in the car, and left the hospital. i still felt okay. i still felt at peace with meeting Carli. i was there when the funeral home came to get her. i knew where she was going. everything was taken care of... yet something didn't seem right. something seemed like it was going to be very wrong, and i just hadn't realized it yet.

later that day, ray and i went shopping for necklaces to give to Lynzie and Lillie; gifts from Carli for her big sisters. as i walked around through the mall, i thought about how strange it felt. i had literally just given birth not even 24 hours earlier... yet here i was at the mall empty handed. now i didn't even have my box with me. and no one around me knew i was ever pregnant. no old grandma coming over to poke at my baby and say "how old?" that was always annoying with Lynzie and Lillie... what i wouldn't give to have that annoyance now. i would love to be bitching about someone calling my baby a "he" even though she was clearly a girl, wearing pink and everything!! but, no... everyone continued on... not even knowing i had a baby. and i don't expect them to... it's just strange to not get the recognition. at the hospital, i still got the "new mom" recognition, even though Carli was stillborn... guess that doesn't happen out in the "real world".

it hurts to see all the babies. as ray said, does everyone have a baby but us? we went to walmart, and literally every person we saw had a baby. and it seemed that everything i walked by was something i would never buy for Carli. something we would never need. all the cute little dresses... i'll never get to buy her a dress. i hadn't thought of that... but i do now. and guess what? it's not okay to cry in walmart. 

and these little painful moments kept happening over the past two days... those sudden recognitions of "where is my baby?" i wanted so bad to just go back to the hospital... even though i knew she wasn't there anymore. inside, i still felt like i had left something behind.

and just when i thought this whole thing couldn't get any worse... my milk came in. now i have a physical pain to remind me of my emotional pain. great.