normal?

ray went back to work today. apparently we need to "get back to some sort of normal". which, got me thinking... what the hell is normal anyway? are we talking about normal before i was pregnant? or normal when i still was pregnant? because i don't think either are an option anymore.

let's see... i gave birth just 3 days ago, so normal would be me nursing Carli to sleep right now. normal would be dirty diapers in the middle of the night. normal would be having Carli with me. and this normal is not an option either. so what kind of normal am i suppose to be looking for? normal is not crying all the time. normal is not painful swollen boobs with no baby to feed. normal is not waking up in the middle of the night because, for some reason, i just can't sleep anymore. or is that my new normal? is that just how i'm going to be now?

i drove for a while this morning, looking for an empty stretch of road, because i just wanted to drive and think. but ya know, i can't find one damn place around here that doesn't have people. i wanted to be as alone as i feel. but, that's just not possible. and looking for that open stretch of road was quite frustrating, and left me feeling like i wanted to just drive my car off the road and over a cliff... but i won't do that. so, i came home.

i miss being pregnant. i miss Carli. i hurt in so many different ways. i feel so empty; physically empty.

ray is coming home early... after being at work only about 3 hours. i'm glad we don't have to try to figure out normal today. i'd rather not be alone.