the weekend

this has been an incredibly long/stressful weekend. it has been super busy, but that wasn't what made it long or stressful (other than the stress of hoping my kids could behave throughout all the "busy-ness"). i feel like i've been waiting for a month on the rest of my amnio results. not to mention, the specialist was supposed to call me on friday to set up my next appointment. so, all weekend i've known that i'm going to have to call the specialist on monday, and i probably won't get any answers right away. so i will more than likely have to harass them for a few days before i find out anything... such an aggravation. maybe staying busy all weekend was a good thing, after all... it kept my mind off of the waiting. i'm so tired of all the waiting.

other than the upcoming hassle with the perinatal specialist hanging over my head, the weekend was fun. we had dinner on friday night with my family, and some friends. ray's sister and brother-in-law came for a visit on saturday, and left this morning. we went to church, and then had a relaxing evening at home. (and i *think* my kids behaved relatively well the entire weekend)


i haven't been to church regularly since lillie was a baby, but i have gone a few times since Carli's diagnosis. today's sermon was about feeling forsaken by God. and the whole time, i kept thinking "i don't feel like that". you would think that at some point i would question why God has made Carli this way, or put this burden on us... but i guess it has never occurred to me to blame God. and, i'm glad i haven't, mostly because that would be an extremely stressful place to be. questioning faith and religion... on top of all this... no thanks. my beliefs haven't changed.

as long as Carli has the strength to fight, we will be fighting right along with her. we will be hoping and praying for our miracle. as for the blame... no, i don't blame God. i blame myself more than anything. i don't know what i could have done differently, but i wish i had done something differently.

i also wish things didn't bother me so much. i expect to feel sad about Carli, and the odds stacked against her. but, i find the most random everyday things have a new "ouch" to them. the first random thing i noticed was snowflakes. i was pointing out the shape of a snowflake to lynzie and lillie about a month ago. we talked about how each one was different, and "wowed" about how tiny they were... and then it hit me. "what if i don't get to show Carli the snowflakes?" such a tiny, random thing to think about... but it still hurt. new babies crying makes me want to cry. little kids playing makes me want to cry. every single "we're pregnant" announcement and "come to my baby shower" invitation stings like never before. taking the kids to the park is something i dread... what if we don't ever get to take Carli to the park? i don't like feeling this way. i wish it would stop.

i think back to when i first got pregnant, and ray was nervous. i told him all about how much fun it was going to be to feel the baby kick, and to hold her for the first time. i talked about how cute it is when a newborn stretches, and makes those little "squeak" sounds... and how cute and cuddly they are. i told him not to worry, because once the baby was here, we would forget all about the nervousness, and it would all be so worth it. now, i feel like i've lied to him. we might not get all that. it never occurred to me to think that we could lose all that excitement so quickly. i feel so bad for ray. i wish i could've done better... done something different.