remind me one more time...

dear medical professionals, thank you for taking one hour to make this my worst morning yet.

i had a check up with dr. harris at 8:20. i arrived, and checked in with the same receptionist/nurse that always loses my file. she handed me one of the regular gynecology info sheets; ya know, the ones that ask basically for updates, and a bit of your history. so much has changed in the past 6 days... i have taken up smoking, drinking, started using cocaine, had 4 babies, and got a new sexual partner. seriously? oh well, i humored her anyway, and filled it out.

while i was filling out my paper, the receptionist called someone and announced (rather loudly) that i was here, and "wasn't supposed to be waiting with the other moms, for some reason". ugh. and they still didn't get me in any faster. by the time i got to the second waiting room, all the other moms were in there anyway.

enter dumb nurse number 2. she called my name, and i followed her down the hall towards the exam rooms. suddenly, she turned around and said "can i get a urine sample?" knowing fully that if i did, she was going to get a cup full of blood rather than pee, i said "uhhh... um... maybe?" i was pretty sure they didn't need a urine sample, and was kinda wondering why she would ask. thankfully, dumb nurse was ready with her dumb comments. "well, if you're going to want birth control, we need to make sure you aren't pregnant. so, i need a sample." i looked her straight in the eyes and said "i'm pretty sure i can't be pregnant. i just lost a baby on friday."

she fumbled around, put me in an exam room, and apologized. she even blamed it on some other person, for not letting her know my situation. clearly, dumb nurse, i can see that the paper in your hand has the words "fetal demise" on it. you have no one to blame but yourself. oh, but she wasn't finished yet. dumb nurse, please say something else completely stupid and irrelevant. "i'm so sorry. i know how you feel; my sister just lost her baby too." sweet. we have so much in common, why don't you go ahead and add me on facebook?

i sat for the next few minutes watching her look through my files on a computer screen. if she didn't bother to look before i came in, why look now? is this some sort of sick curiosity? she scanned through all my various "fetal demise" reports, and looked at my hospital discharge papers. she didn't say anything, and she left the room. so, it was, in fact, some sick curiosity. thanks.

dr. harris came in, and we talked about a few things. that part went well, and i have to go back in 6 weeks. except, i have to see a new doctor, because dr. harris will be on maternity leave. i can't say i blame her... but i do feel a little abandoned. oh, and dr. harris decided, after speaking with a lactation consultant, that i would need to pump out some milk. i am so engorged, they think it is best to "empty" myself and try binding again. talk about painful. this really sucks. so, she called the hospital nursery, and arranged to have a pump ready for me to pick up as soon as i left her office.

i went to the hospital, where, holy hell, they have dumb nurses there too!! i walked up to the pediatric nurses station, and told the girl i was supposed to pick up a breast pump. she looked at the other nurse and said "breast pump?" the other nurse shrugged. "yeah, you will have to go back through to the nursery, and ask them." nursery? i have to go to the nursery? where they keep all the healthy pink living babies? yeah, okay...

i walked slowly towards the nursery, and got trapped in a tiny hallway with a couple returning their new baby to the nursery. i stood awkwardly while the nurse taking the baby "oohed" and "ahhed" over how cute he was. i saw him squirming around in his crib, and i heard all the happy voices about the cute new baby... i wanted to shoot myself in the face. can this be anymore of a disaster?

after the parents left, ray managed to get the attention of the nurse, before she closed the nursery door. what did she think we were standing there for? obviously we needed to talk to someone... we aren't just creepy people who enjoy watching strange parents leave their baby in the nursery. he told her what we were there for, so i wouldn't have to say it again. plus, i was on the verge of a breakdown, after being trapped in the hall with the new baby. she went to get the nurse who would know about breast pumps, while we awkwardly waited next to the nursery window.

oh, hello dumb nurse number 3. i actually knew this nurse. i played soccer with her daughter in high school. her daughter had an abortion our junior year. so the whole time she's talking i'm thinking about people not wanting babies, and how badly i wanted mine... and how much i hate her daughter for disposing of a perfectly good life. she blabs on and on about how to use a breast pump, which i already know. it's pretty obvious anyway, even if i hadn't used one before. you stick the part that is sucking, on your boob... and the milk comes out. duh.

then she said her dumb comment. she said "you need to pump every 3 hours... how old is the baby?" ... this one i think was the worst. i began to cry, and i told her "we lost the baby." she said "oh... so why are you pumping?" because i want to! because i'm some sick freak who wants to pump milk to feed to my imaginary baby, since my real one died! what the f*** does it matter? her job is to hand me the pump. that's it. instead, she felt the need to be nosey, and make me cry in the middle of the nursery hallway. now she feels like a douche, and she's hugging me while i'm sure everyone walking by is thinking "what's this girl's problem?"

she apologized several times, and asked if i wanted to "come back here" so she could show me how to use the pump. back there... with all the new babies? yeah, i don't think so. i'll figure it out. thanks for the offer. like it's some sort of "lost your baby privilege" to be able to go sit in the nursery while someone shows me how to use a breast pump... ugh. i've decided i need some kind of sign that lets people know i don't have a baby, like everyone else who gave birth

after all that hassle, i got my new hand-held breast pump. i hate this kind. i like the automatic ones, because my hand gets too tired... especially since i have like 2 gallons sitting on my chest right now. i pumped a little, and i feel a little better, but i'm not done yet. i'm so completely exhausted, and it's only 11:00. all the explaining i had to do sucked... the milk pumping reminded me of the baby i'll never feed... i want to go back to bed.