i think i made it through Lillie's party surprisingly well. it was also the one year anniversary of Carli's diagnosis. but everything went well, and i was in a pretty good mood. the next day (Lillie's birthday) was a whole different story.
it started out fine. i made my facebook status say "happy 5th birthday, Lillie!!" i got a comment from my sister and a smiley from ray. then, my mom commented:
"On Lillie's birthday, let me wish all my grandchildren Happy Birthdays - Jake, Abby, Caleb, Daniel, Stephen, Mallorie, Mae, Savanah, Lillie, Eden, and Evy - and I'm going to include James, due in March - Happy Happy Birthdays. You all are the best grandchildren ever."
ouch. first, why is she saying happy birthday to everyone else on Lillie's birthday? second, and more importantly, where is Carli's name? third, why include James?
i think what my mom was going for was not at all how it came out. i'm assuming she saw my post, and wanted to say happy birthday to Lillie. then, she saw my sister's comment and realized she hadn't commented on her kids' "birthday posts". (and caleb's birthday was just 18 days before Lillie's) so, i think she was trying to be "fair" by wishing everyone a happy birthday all at once. she just didn't know how miserably she was going to fail.
i don't know my mom's opinion on whether Carli counts or not. i didn't want to open myself up to the possibility of an explanation on why she doesn't count, so i never asked. but, seeing all the grandchildren listed out with Carli obviously *not* included... it was like a kick in the face. it hurt. i cried. a lot.
at first, i wanted to say something. i wanted to just innocently say "you forgot Carli! :)" but i just kept crying. and then, i felt a little angry. i considered writing her a message; calling her; something to let her know that her comment was not appropriate. i also considered adding a comment to my status saying "if James dies, does he no longer count?" but, that was a little harsh. in the end i decided any confrontational action would hurt my mom's feelings when she clearly did not intend to hurt mine. so, i just deleted the whole post. now, anyone who is friends with both ray and me on facebook are probably wondering why ray wished Lillie a happy birthday, and i didn't. oh well.
the last thing i want is for Carli to be forgotten. i want her to be remembered. i want her to matter. now, i'm considering that maybe she doesn't matter to most people. maybe she's not real to anyone but us. i don't have anything to prove she was here. sometimes i feel like she was just part of my imagination. no one knew Carli like i did. no one else sees that Eden looks almost exactly like Carli. no one but me, and maybe ray.
it's been almost a year. i feel like i should try to move on and forget her like other people seem to do. but, how do i do that? i don't even want to try. does that mean i'm just hanging on to things and making myself feel bad? is it time to "get over it"?
1.31.2011
don't forget Carli
at 5:06 PM
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2 comments:
Don't forget. Don't even try. Your baby girl WAS here, she DOES matter, no matter what other people might say or do. There will always, always be a hole in your heart where Carli should be, just as if anyone lost a child at any age. There is no timeline for grief or healing, and there is no excuse for your family to say or do things that make it seem like she doesn't count. If you are feeling calmer about it, I would let your Mom know. Think about it from your perspective as a mom, if you hurt one of your kid's feelings wouldn't you want them to tell you so you could apologize and try to make it better? Give your mom that chance.
I know that if any of my family did not include Carleigh I would be extremely hurt.
You shouldn't move on or forget her. Always keep her alive in your mind and heart. She may not matter to the people you would like her to matter to but the most important thing is that her true family remembers and loves her.
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