too much

i knew that a newborn would be stressful. everyone knows that, right? i managed to do so well with Lynzie and Lillie. they seem like they were good babies. nursing went well. i worked and went to school and didn't really take any time off.




Eden seems so different. it's not that she's a bad baby. she's normal. easily satisfied. she eats, poops, and sleeps. as long as she can do those things when she wants (and have the poo cleaned up asap) she's happy and quiet- most of the time. so what is different?


it must be me. i'm feeling so overwhelmed. i can blame it on a lot of things. i'm sore. i'm worried about work. i'm worried about the medication the doctor gave me. i'm tired. i feel like i'm completely ignoring Lillie during the day- i even forgot to give her lunch. Lynzie is on her own with homework and school- i can't help. and, did i really plan a birthday party for Lillie? on the anniversary of Carli's diagnosis day? a party with 25 people? what was i thinking?!?


so many things are playing into the stress, but it all comes down to the fact that i'm failing. i can't do what i thought i could. it's too much.


i don't answer my phone anymore, because i know it will be someone from work. my boss called yesterday to "confirm" that i would be back to work on february 7th. i can't come back that early. i can't leave Eden. i'm not even healed enough to go back. maybe for a regular job... but not one where i have to sit on the floor (or tiny kid chairs) and defend myself against raging autistic kids. the whole thing is not good for me and not good for Eden. i just want to stay home. but, i have to work. i need the money, and i can't have another gap in my resume. i'm absolutely torn about what to do. i don't even want to deal with it. so, i just don't answer my phone. it's too much.




and, what's with the pain medication the doctor gave me? i have been taking it for a week, and just realized it's a narcotic. i'm very anal about avoiding too much medication, and i think a narcotic is a bit much for some cramps. they hurt, but it's not worth the risks. demerol is passed in breastmilk and "may cause breathing problems in nursing newborns". wtf?!


my girls are adjusting well to having Eden around. they haven't had any complaints yet... not even from Lillie when i forgot to feed her! i just feel bad about neglecting them. Eden requires all my time, and there's nothing left for the older kids. they like to help out with Eden, and i let them... because it's pretty much the only time i get to interact with them. i just feel guilty. i should be able to handle everything, and have time for everyone.


speaking of time, i wish ray had taken more time off work. he saved vacation time "for when the baby came" and then didn't use any of it. he took the 3 paternity days the company gave him, and then went back. it seems like he works all the time. leaves early, home late... and that is frustrating. and, another reason i don't want to go back to work yet. i don't want Eden to feel abandoned. she screams when ray holds her. i don't know if it's just coincidence, or if she's just not used to him. she was fine the first few days... but these last two or three... not so much. i don't want her to start being like that with me.


all of this stuff makes me feel so guilty. i should be able to deal with it. i should be happy to deal with it. after everything we've all been through with Carli... i shouldn't feel so hopeless. i don't know what is wrong with me. i just can't see how this is going to work out. it's too much.