hello, 2011

i have a weird relationship with 2010. on one hand, i'm sad to see it go. 2010 was the year Carli lived. i felt like i really knew her in 2010, and now i feel like i'm moving further away from her. on the other hand, it is the year we found out she was sick, she died, and we ventured through the first months of losing our baby. yeah, on that hand- good riddance, 2010.



i actually wish i could go back to january of 2010, and just stay there forever. i was happy. i didn't know Carli was sick. i just knew i would have a baby to hold in july. it was the last point in my life where i knew bad things didn't happen to babies. pregnancy equaled a screaming baby after 40-ish weeks. pregnancy never equaled a silent delivery room, a memorial service, painfully empty arms, and an urn on a shelf. maybe it did for women who had some sort of medical issues... but never for me. that couldn't happen to me. i was healthy, my previous kids were healthy. nothing bad could happen. but it did. for no reason at all.


2010 was the year of no answers for us; no reason why our baby had to die. it was a very hard year, with so many ups and downs... but i think there were far more downs. maybe i'm just being pessimistic. or maybe the downs were just so so so very down, and the ups were just kinda up. screw 2010.


i need 2011 to be a good year. i need to be happy. please, 2011, be nice to us.


speaking of 2011- this is the year Eden will be born. i am still cautiously hoping she will be born a healthy, screaming baby. i have my fears, paranoia, and doubt... but we will see. i'm currently 38 weeks, so we're at the "any day now" point. i'm feeling like we have plenty of days ahead, but who knows? she's head down. it feels like she's sitting low in my pelvis, but i'm never sure of that stuff. last week, the doctor said she hadn't dropped, and didn't bother checking dilation. i'll get all that checked on friday, and hopefully will have some changes to report.