missing Carli again

with all the excitement and frustration around Eden's non-arrival, i think i'm beginning to lose myself. i honestly can't remember the last time i had a non-Eden related conversation. i'm not me anymore. i'm Eden's carrier. the kids tell me how Eden is making my belly soooo huge (as if i didn't notice). people from work call, wanting to know about the baby, and when i'll be back (i don't even answer the phone). family wants to know how i'm feeling, and if i feel like she will be here soon (i have no clue!). strangers want to know my due date, and after hearing it was last week, give me sympathetic looks and wishes of "good luck".

i'm feeling overrun with pregnancy and delivery conversation. and, once she's here, i know there will be a lot of baby conversation. i understand that. people want to know. people are excited. i'm excited too. but, ya know what i've really wanted to talk about lately? you know what i can't stop thinking about? Carli.


i don't know if it's the emotions of Eden's impending birth, or the fear that people are replacing Carli... but she's been on my mind a lot lately. it sometimes seems as if people think "phew- good thing Eden is almost here... now we don't have to feel obligated to talk about Carli."


Ray's mom gives me baby things, but prefaces the gift with "i bought this for Carli..." yes, the things are still perfectly useful. it's logical to not waste them, and it's not anything personalized. but, can we skip the notification that it was supposed to be for Carli? that makes it a little hard for me. even if it is a box of blank thank-you cards... it makes me want to put it in Carli's box, instead of using them. the fact that it was supposed to be for Carli, makes it seem almost too sacred to "use" for Eden... it's as if Carli didn't matter. the "supposed to be for Carli" baby book is the worst. i could keep it "for Carli" but it's even more depressing that it's blank... no milestones to write in, and never will be. so, i'll use it for Eden, but it's going to make me think of Carli.


i told Ray about it. he said he would tell her to stop, but i told him not to. i think that would hurt her feelings, because i know she doesn't mean anything by it. i know she misses Carli too. if anything, i'm overreacting. so, i'll deal with it, and get over it.


it's not so bad to think about Carli sometimes. yesterday, Lillie came running. "Carli fell down! Carli fell down!" for a split second, while i could hear Lillie running,  i allowed myself to picture something that will never happen:
Lillie runs in the room yelling that "Carli fell down" Carli runs in a few seconds later, crying. i kiss her rug-burned knee, and tell her she's okay. wipe the tears, and send the girls on their way to keep playing.
oops, back to reality. Lillie lets me know that Carli's picture in the living room fell down, and she couldn't get it to stand back up.


so, i fixed it... and went back to my thoughts about Carli... just wishing she could be here for me to take for granted. i would love to be yelling at all the girls to settle down and be quiet. i would love to be frustrated with trying to teach Carli all the things babies are supposed to do in their first year. of course, that would mean no Eden... and it's hard to imagine that.


another thing that had me thinking about Carli is the most recent episode of extreme makeover: home edition. it originally aired last sunday, but i found it through a link a few days later. you know the idea of this show... every family has a sad story, and some reason they need a giant new house. this family's youngest child was born with hydrops, but survived. he had a lot of issues due to the hydrops... brain damage and things related to that. but, he survived.


those survivor stories give me such a mix of emotions. it's good that these babies are surviving. it seems even more are surviving now than last year. when Carli was diagnosed, i couldn't find many survivor stories. now, it's hard to find stories that end like mine. and it's only been a year.


but, at the same time... it makes me angry. why couldn't my baby survive? why didn't we have these treatment options? what if we had pushed harder for something to be done? did we just sit around waiting for her to die? the doctors kept saying "we just have to wait and see"... but did we? was there something we could have done, but didn't?


and then... the darker thoughts. would i have wanted her to survive? i don't like thinking like this.. but it's hard not to go there. so many of the hydrops kids have serious long-term issues. while i would not ever terminate because a child might be disabled... i don't know that i would take extraordinary measures to keep a child alive, with no quality of life. if i had pushed to keep her hanging on... would she have been normal? would she have had to rely on a feeding tube all her life? would she be permanently attached to a ventilator? would she even have an awareness that she existed? am i just thinking these horrible things to make myself feel better about her death?


but, all this wondering is pointless. i didn't ever really get the chance to worry about what Carli would be like if she survived. i was told she would die within minutes of finding out she was sick. and, she did die... so nothing we could have done will help her now.


it still just sucks so bad.