this was just a test

i woke up at 4:30 am on saturday to a huge contraction. so, i stayed in bed, and timed contractions for the next hour. they were about 12 minutes apart by 5:30, so i woke ray up to tell him. i told him i wasn't sure if "this was it" because the contractions weren't very painful, and of course, not yet 5 minutes apart. anything could happen. 

we got up, took showers, packed bags, etc. we even got back in bed a few times- just trying to waste time until we knew something for sure. by about 10:30am, ray's parents had the kids, and my contractions were 4 minutes apart, but still not painful.


with my other pregnancies, i stayed home until the contractions were 5 minutes apart, and very painful. i prefer to labor at home as long as possible- but not miss my chance for an epidural! here in pittsburgh, staying home until the last second is not an option. we never know what traffic will be like, and the hospital is 20 minutes away anyway. not to mention, we have to get the kids somewhere before we even head to the hospital. so- for this pregnancy, we are just going to have to go, and let the nurses decide if it's real labor or not.


we got to the hospital around 11:30. the nurse started to hook me up to the monitors. she put the one for fetal heart rate on my stomach, a little to the left. immediately there was a very loud, very slow heart rate. she listened to it for a little bit... and i said "that's my heart beat". hopefully she knew that, but i felt like she was listening to it for too long. she moved the thing around a few centimeters, and then said "have you felt the baby move today?" fuck! i hate that question. my head is screaming "move it around! check the other side! it's there somewhere!" i told her i had felt Eden move. she kept searching. 


finally, slightly to the right, she found Eden's heart beat. needless to say my heart rate is now like 130, and my blood pressure was slightly above my "normal" (but not too high for any worry). my contractions continued. some were strong, some weren't. they were in fact about 4 minutes apart, but a few were 6 minutes. the nurse looked at the monitors for a bit, and then began to explain to us that Eden's heart rate was not reacting the way it should. 


Eden's heart was not dipping with contractions, which is a good sign. But, it also wasn't spiking with contractions, which is not a good sign. she gave Eden's heart rate a "fair" rating. that's definitely not something i want to hear about my baby's heart function. we need words like "good" "excellent" and "normal". the nurse went to get me something to drink so we could try to wake Eden up and get her heart rate to spike. she also brought in the vibrating-noise-maker thing. 


she tried to get Eden to move, but didn't have much luck. Eden was not feeling active at all. the doctor came to check my cervix, and found that i was only dilated 1 cm. i knew those contractions weren't strong enough. we all decided to unhook the monitors and have me walk for an hour. so, i paced the very small labor and delivery hallway about 85 times. after the end of the hour, the doctor checked again: still 1 cm. 


so, they decided to send me home. but, first, i had to be on the monitors again until Eden's heart rate looked normal. i drank fluids, we tried to startle her... nothing. finally, her heart rate went up with one of the contractions. the nurse came in, explained that's what she wanted to see, and sent us on our way.

so, guess what i've been doing the past 2 days? i've been worrying, and counting kicks. is she moving enough? is she alive? is something wrong? what does this heart rate thing mean? is her cord wrapped around her?


i wish that nurse hadn't said anything. she seemed so nervous and worried... and then just let us leave. now i'm sitting here with all the questions. i'm not too worried about delivery. although, i wish it would happen... like now... so i can stop wondering if Eden is dying. 


why do doctors and nurses always insist on making me feel worse? why do i always have more questions after i leave a hospital/doctor's office? shouldn't that calm me down?