day eight.

do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

there was a time not so long ago that i would have answered this with "yes". but, lately, not so much. most days are bad days, but i'm not sure it's entirely related to grieving. it's a mixture of everything. it's life in general. 

i wish things with Carli could have been different. when i'm feeling particularly down, i do tend to think about all the sadness surrounding her life and death. i think about how she doesn't count to the rest of our family. how i'm the only one that thinks of her as a real baby, not "something that happened". i wonder if i have a right to miss someone i never knew. i wonder if i'm crazy for caring as much as i do. it's a lot to think about.

it's a lot to deal with, when everything is so lonely.