day twenty-three.

besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

differently... hmm... so much.

i never thought anything bad would happen, so i was kind of in the "ignorant bliss" phase during early pregnancy. looking back, i could have spent more time making memories. (mainly, keeping up with my belly pictures.)

even after we found out Carli was sick, i didn't want to believe she would actually die. so, i dragged my feet on a lot of the preparations for her birth. because of that, i missed out on things like good pictures of her and hand/foot molds. 

also, once we found out her heart had stopped beating, i chose to wait a few days before delivering her. i wanted to wait for my doctor to be on call at the hospital. i didn't know how a few days could make such a difference in her appearance. i wish we would have delivered her the day we found out she had died. 

this might fall under "changing the outcome" but i'm going to say it anyway. i carry a lot of guilt over Carli's condition. nothing ever proved that i caused it, and all of the things that could have been caused by something i did were ruled out. i still think maybe there was something i did, that doctors don't know causes hydrops. so, i wish i had been more careful. not that i was getting drunk or smoking crack... but you know... eat healthier, take my vitamins more consistently, etc.