day four.

through your grief process what has kept you going?

 once we knew Carli was sick, i was concerned for my older girls. first of all, how do i explain to them that i'm pregnant, and that the baby might not come home? how do i continue being the mom i need to be, when all i feel like doing is going to sleep and never waking up? how do i help them deal, when i'm not even sure how i can deal?

my constant prayer throughout my pregnancy was to have the strength and grace to lead my girls through. i had to protect Carli, the best i could; to be honest with her older sisters; to assure them that everything would be okay. i needed to honor Carli's life and her memory, while also caring for our bruised hearts.


on the days i didn't want to get out of bed, i still managed to get up, and get Lynzie off to school. i had a lot of help from my dad, but someway, somehow- she made it to school everyday. on the days i just couldn't stop crying, i let Lillie know that it was okay to cry. we would talk. i would answer endless questions from both girls. i tried to be honest. i tried to be strong. i tried to show them that death is a part of life. grieving is hard, but it is not impossible. 

how did i continue being the mom my girls needed? i don't know. i just did. 


my girls kept me going, while i was pregnant, and after Carli died. i had to help them get through it. i had to make sure all their needs were met- physically and emotionally. 

my children were, and always will be my top priority.