day eleven.

it is said that father's and mother's grieve differently. 

do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

this is such a complex question. there is no definite yes or no.


when we were told Carli was sick, we went through a range of emotions. we felt hopeful, scared, confused, lost, and then defeated. we only had each other. we were the only two people that knew what it felt like to love and lose Carli as her parents.


however, it was still different for both of us. i had Carli in me. i knew her like no one else. i had my own set of fears about what i could do to help her; what it would feel like to deliver her; how i would know if she died. and i'm sure Ray had his own feelings about his role in waiting. was he waiting to meet her alive? or would she already be gone? i'm sure he felt helpless. his child was dying, and there was nothing he could do to change that.


one aspect that i cannot ever fully understand is what it's like to lose your first child. i do not know what it felt like for Ray to become a dad to a child he would never look in the eyes; never hear her laugh; never see her grow up. his first little girl, and he would never chase away any boyfriends, or walk her down the aisle.


i often felt guilty that i had two healthy living children, and Ray was losing his only baby. i felt like i messed up.


once i got pregnant with Eden, we were again in very different places. Ray was back to waiting to meet his child. i was immersed in a world of extreme paranoia. i worried, night and day, that another baby would die inside me. Ray seemed confident everything would turn out just fine, and i was much more skeptical.


after the birth of Eden, i think we have found a comfortable spot. we seem to both be in the same "place" when it comes to Carli. so, i would say there are times we grieve the same, and times we grieve very differently.