day seventeen.

do you feel your child is watching over you?

this is a tough one to answer. i would say no. but, it's a very weak no. i don't want to believe she is watching me. i don't want to believe she is waiting for me. and i certainly don't believe she is capable of changing anything, or protecting me from anything, or giving me anything. 

that being said... i sometimes have dreams that make it very difficult to believe she isn't still "around" somehow. 

just last week, i had a dream. 

a little background: we had Carli baptized after her birth. when the short ceremony started, the faucet in my hospital room started running. nothing we did made the water turn off. it turned on and off on its own a few times during the baptism. after the baptism was over, the water stopped. it was more than a little weird.  here's a picture of Carli being baptized, and you can see the water running in the background.

in the dream, everywhere i went, faucets were turning on. it started to bother me, and then a thought popped into my mind: "i'm still here." the hair on my arms stood up- chills all over. then, i woke up. the chills were still there.

when i have dreams like these, it feels so surreal. like she actually is visiting me. and it's comforting, in a way. but, at the same time, the skeptical me tries to rationalize that i have these dreams because i'm still thinking about her, and i want to have them. who knows?

logically, i would say she is not watching over me. but maybe a teeny tiny bit of me believes that she really is... in some way.