day nine.

if you have other children, 
how has your loss affected them? 

if you don't have other children, 

how has your loss affected 
your relationship with your partner?

i was always sure to be honest with Lynzie and Lillie. i told them Carli was sick, and we might not get to bring her home. i told them- very honestly- that she would likely die. "do you understand what it means when someone dies?" they both nodded innocently. "like our dog, max." "yes. like max. and when something dies, it will never come back."


i answered countless questions about death, dying, and what happens after. i was blunt. i was honest. mostly, the girls were concerned with where Carli was going, and if it was going to hurt when she went. i told them about heaven, and i told them she wasn't in any pain. and, for the most part, i believe that- though i can never know for sure.


i also explained cremation. that was a difficult topic. their faces wore expressions of horror when i told them Carli's body would be burned to ashes. but, by the end of our discussion, they were satisfied with the explanation of why people were cremated. i told them we wanted to keep Carli's body with us, so when Ray or i die, she can be buried with us. i told them that cremation was a very common thing to do with a body when it dies. i assured them Carli would not feel cremation- and they were relieved.


i think my honesty and openness helped the girls cope. they were allowed to be sad when they felt sad. they were allowed to ask questions when they had them. they knew i was sad, and they knew why. they also saw me having happy days again. they understand grief can be deep and dark, but they also know it doesn't stay that way. 


i've seen families focus so intently on their lost baby that their living child suffers. some children feel like they can never live up to the sibling they lost. they can never get back the parent they had before the sibling died. my girls have never felt in competition with Carli. they have walked beside me for the entire journey.


today, they still talk about Carli. they have an occasional question. they draw pictures, and write letters to her. they claim her proudly as their sister. they talk about her to anyone, and are not ashamed to explain what happened. they have a fearlessness about grief that i envy.