day eighteen.

have you found something that puts you at peace?

i think i am at peace with Carli's death. i have frequent bouts of "why me" and "what if" but that's just part of life after loss. 

this is going to sound harsh, bizarre, and maybe even heartless... but what gives me the most peace is the number of problems Carli had. hydrops killed her. but hydrops was not her only problem. so, when i struggle with the "what if i had pushed for treatment..." i am comforted knowing that even if we had been able to make the fluid go away... she still didn't have much of a chance. and even if she had survived... what would her life have been like? i can only imagine it would have been a daily struggle. for me, sure... but mostly for her. would i want to live in a body that worked only with the help of machines? no. i think Carli is far more comfortable now, than she ever could have been here with us.

i'm not saying i would have ever chosen to end her life. that was between Carli and a higher power. i gave her every fighting chance, but i did not force her to live any longer. that gives me peace. sometimes.

other times, when i am at my worst, and when i am feeling sad, defeated, and angry... none of Carli's defects matter. i just want to know why. why her? why me? why us?


i have peace on rare occasions. but, mostly... i just ache for my baby.