day nineteen.

what is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

as i said, i don't really have very many memories. let alone happy ones. from the moment we knew Carli was a girl, it was all downhill from there.


my happiest memories from the entire pregnancy are from the beginning. before we knew anything was going to be wrong.


i took the pregnancy test after the kids had gone to bed. we were going to look at it together, but it was positive before i even left the bathroom. i just didn't say anything. i waited the 3 minutes, and told Ray he could go look. he came out of the bathroom saying "there is a positive AND a negative! what does THIS mean?!?" he was looking at the positive and the control line. i told him it was positive. i've never seen someone looking so freaked out. he was shaking. i told him it would be okay. i knew it was scary then, because we certainly didn't plan to be pregnant. but, i also knew that in a few months, he would have a wiggly baby that would make it all okay. i knew. or, at least i thought i did...

Carli's first ultrasound was also a happy one. i remember seeing her on the screen for the first time. arms, legs, head... she looked just like a baby. we were so excited to have those first pictures. and everything looked great. healthy. normal. 

i remember waiting to tell Lynzie and Lillie they were going to have a sister until after the anatomy scan. i had no idea i would have to tell them bad news too.

i saved the bad news for a while. i allowed them to be excited, and i was excited with them. the sad part could wait. for a little while, we were happy.