day twenty.

if you have anger, what are you most angry about?

anger? sure. i could write an entire book on anger.

sadness, hopelessness, grief, uncertainty... i've had it all through this journey. but, my main emotion is anger. anger at everyone and everything. sometimes it lasts, sometimes it doesn't. some things make me angry, and i quickly deal with them. some things make me angry, and i can't get over them no matter how much time passes. (so far, anyway)

the number one thing i am angry about, right now is something that is fairly recent (to me anyway). Ray mentioned it in passing, and acted like he had told me about it when it happened. i know for a fact he did not. apparently, a friend (ex-girlfriend) of Ray's was talking to him on facebook just after we found out Carli was sick. Ray told her about Carli, and asked her to say a prayer for us. she responded with something like "maybe i would if you had introduced katie to my parents." what. the. fuck. 

first of all, who refuses to pray for a dying baby? second, i don't give a shit about her parents. third, it's not like Ray blew them off. he did say hello when we saw them... he just didn't drag me over to introduce me. "hello, random parents of an ex-girlfriend. you are extremely unimportant to me, but it's nice to meet you." 

anger? oh yes. and that one has been boiling for at least 2 months now.

another issue i have had trouble getting over was the reaction to my pregnancy with Carli. i've talked about this before. people on both sides of our family were not happy about my pregnancy. looking back, that infuriates me. a baby deserves nothing but love. instead, Carli got reactions of rejection and disappointment. i know, those family members could not have known what Carli's life would ultimately become. and i'm not so much angry at the people as i am angry at the situation. no one wanted me to be pregnant, and then i wasn't anymore. they won.

again, logically, i know no one wanted her to die. and i do understand the initial reactions... i just wish it could have been different. i just wanted Carli to be loved. from beginning to end.


i also cannot stand to think about people who do not take care of their children, or didn't want to have a baby. why didn't their baby die? i would gladly trade places with them.


and anyone who tries to "understand" or "relate" to my feelings. your miscarriage/dog dying/loss of grandma is nothing like delivering and holding a dead baby. Carli had fingers, toes, eyes, and hair. she was a fully-formed baby. i'm not minimizing your grief, because i know it is fierce. i just don't want mine minimized, or compared either.
 

i'm still mad at my mom for never claiming or including Carli. i'm still mad that the majority of people ignore the fact that we have 4 daughters. i'm still mad that Carli isn't here, and that we never found a reason for her issues.


anger... i have a ton of anger.